Place the cucumbers on a large cutting board and gently smash them with a meat pounder, cleaver, or small cast iron skillet until they split open. Trim the ends and cut the bashed cucumbers into bite-size pieces.
Grab a fine-mesh strainer or a colander that fits in a medium bowl. Transfer the cucumber pieces to the colander and toss with kosher salt. Place the strainer and bowl with the salted cucumber in the fridge while you prepare the other ingredients. (I’ve salted the cucumbers for as short as 5 minutes and as long as 4 hours.)
Got some All-Purpose Stir-Fry Sauce in the fridge? Great—use it! (And if not, it just takes a few minutes to shake a jar together, so do it already!) Then, in a small measuring cup or bowl, whisk together the All-Purpose Stir-Fry Sauce, minced garlic, sesame oil, and crushed red chile pepper.
Grab the drained cucumbers out of the fridge, and plop them to a bowl with the carrot noodles and most of the green onions.
Add the dressing and toss well. Serve immediately!
You can even make this salad into a well-rounded meal by adding some protein and fat, like shredded cooked chicken and diced avocado!